I remember when my ex first mentioned opening up the relationship, he mentioned the word polyamory. I was and still am not a native speaker. The concept was a little wild (but not completely foreign or strange). Currently, the web’s definition is: the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved. I was curious about opening up the relationship and hoped it would repair, resolve, or restore what we had. I agreed to open up our relationship and we embarked on a bumpy ride. We met some interesting guys and became friendly with some of them. I still felt unsure about it all most of the times. Our issues did not quite go away. We had fun though.

One of the challenges for me was that my ex would become actual friends with some of the guys we met. He truly was going for the polyamorous relationship where “we” all get to know and maybe even develop love for each other. It was easy said than done for me. I struggled with jealousy, self-confidence and overcoming insecurity. My ex encouraged complete openness and would be transparent about his needs and desires for other guys. I had a hard time talking, commenting, and communicating about anything that went on internally. Again, I consented and agreed to go along because I wanted to try. In the end, consensual non-monogamy did not work out for me. Does that mean consensual nonmonogamous relationships are a no-go? No, for many others, CNM is the only way to go.

For my dissertation, I am particularly interested in the middle-aged gay men’s long-term CNM relationships because as guys get older, they likely gain more insights from their previous experiences and can speak to how their decisions have evolved since then (compared to when they were coming out, or starting out as 20-something gay adults). If you know of any middle-aged gay man residing in the U.S. who is in an open or long-term consensual nonmongamous relationship, please feel free to pass on my site’s information or refer them this way. Thank you for your help in advance!